Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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