McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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