What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
