Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
