This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
