I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
