my sisters under your porch take her home
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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