Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
