One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
