I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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