Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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