if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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