dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Your penis caused this!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
