like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
