thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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