Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
