you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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