Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
