Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
