So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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