his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
