Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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