I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
