Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
