I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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