so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
