i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
