I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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