I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
