I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
