Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
