It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
