Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I lost the right to judge tonight
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
