either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
