We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
