there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
