Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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