is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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