Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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