Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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