my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
