My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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