i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
