i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
