Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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