I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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