Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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