I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
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You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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