Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
