Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
