I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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