my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
