apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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