im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?