Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin