but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?