Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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