there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
