My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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