Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
