She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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