My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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