In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
