This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
