Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there's paper in my vomit.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
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I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
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I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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